This is a throwaway so I can be dumb and learn stuff
Career/partial life bio
Oct 2025
I'm bound by money and it sucks.
Today was bad, my mgr the way he talks to me it's like interrogation and it triggers me. I get choked up/freeze and then I just look stupid. I can't answer. That shouldn't be the only reason to leave but idk. I feel guilty/bad like I'm screwing these people over by leaving but then again due to silos I'm also nobody.
Ehh it's tough because I feel like an asshole for living and I may destroy this team by the drama I create. I just shouldn't feel stressed out (pressure in solarplex) when talking to someone. I believe they refer to that as being triggered.
I think I need to get out while I can. I also feel like I'm dying as a developer where I work it's a no-tests kind of place and silos. The fact that I feel this stressed out talking to someone probably not good. Yeah I have to commit, it's been tainted. Pros to the job but I can get them elsewhere. I hate how vulnerable I am where I have no money.
Ego is the name of the game, I gotta just let it ride, work on getting out of debt.
The biggest problem in my life is not getting laid. I want to know what I think about when I get past that.
It's so funny I cry about having problems with women but I get paid to sit on my ass and make six-figs like damn life is not bad. I literally went to a bar at lunch to get some drinks and then just watched YouTube for an entire day. That's the thing I haven't owned it yet (being a playboy) so it's always in my mind and triggers FOMO when I see couples out or people partying. It's not like I haven't had the chance/experienced it in the past. I literally lived in a frat house and women would just come over almost daily. I just became a weird person where I started to lock my door and pretend I wasn't home.
I have a future here at this company, might be working on hardware soon.
Went to a paid company business dinner last night and had catered breakfast/lunch. Two more days of that for the AI group I'm in. Pretty nice.
You could say I'm winning if I didn't have the problem of inability to speak to attractive women (since I see them as a target) it's like my biggest problem in life I want to change. I want to be the rizz man.
Funny later the same day I am having drinks with her at a bar.
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Previous mental samples
https://pastebin.com/TWXHkyFZ (Aug 2025 - Sep 2025) -$80K NW
https://pastebin.com/y0R0JWBz (Jun 2025 - Jul 2025) -$80K NW
https://pastebin.com/k2hqR8uN (Mar 2025 - Jun 2025) -$80K NW
https://pastebin.com/5xCTbGsu (2023 - Mar 2025) -$80K NW